It's About Connection! Not Conflict Resolution by Mark Webb

Differences will always exist within couples. Agreement on major issues such as finances may never occur. Yet, this is the goal of many couples; that they may somehow achieve a common viewpoint. Frustration is the result of such thinking. Conflict resolution does not work all of the time. This is a downside to many therapeutic approaches because therapists often try to help couples negotiate their differences into an agreed upon middle; thereby surrendering previously held values and beliefs. The problem with this approach is that the individual will be forced to relinquish aspects of themselves that they do not want to. They often resent "having to" give up these positions and the resentment creates distance between them as partners. Either one will win or they both rather lose.

Intense efforts to apply conventional tools of "healthy" relationships frequently lead to doubt about the future of the relationship. Most suggestions for listening skills and fair fighting work if both individuals are calm and in a rational frame of mind. However, this is rarely the case when couples cross over into the heat of battle. When tempers are hot and feelings have been hurt, they typically get little results with the application of traditionally taught methods. Fiery couples or what I call "passionate" couples become very discouraged when they try the generally taught techniques and they do not work. They start to doubt their ability to ever turn the relationship around. They question whether they should even be together.

Embrace the truth that you and your partner will never achieve an absence of conflict. Happiness is not the absence of conflict. Great partners understand this, so instead they focus more on connectedness.

Your ability to feel close to your partner is more important than seeing eye-to-eye on all matters. You need to strive towards connection even in the midst of battle and hurt feelings. This is possible and much easier than you may expect. I have lived in areas that regularly had tornados come through. I remember sitting in the hallway holding hands and quietly waiting for the black cloud to pass on by. I keep this image in mind during the hard times. You need to stay connected with your partner until the storm passes on by.

Author Resource: Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and founder of Partner Focused Relationships. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine ($100 value). Just visit his website at http://www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or http://www.therelationshipspecialist.com.

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